Friday, April 30, 2010

This is so sweet!

I asked God to take away my habit.

God said, No.

It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.

God said, No.

His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary


I asked God to grant me patience.

God said, No.

Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.


I asked God to give me happiness.

God said, No.

I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.


I asked God to spare me pain.

God said, No.

Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.


I asked God to make my spirit grow.

God said, No.

You must grow on your own! ,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.


I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.

God said, No.

I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.
I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.

God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

This is so sweet!

I asked God to take away my habit.

God said, No.

It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.

God said, No.

His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary


I asked God to grant me patience.

God said, No.

Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.


I asked God to give me happiness.

God said, No.

I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.


I asked God to spare me pain.

God said, No.

Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.


I asked God to make my spirit grow.

God said, No.

You must grow on your own! ,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.


I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.

God said, No.

I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.
I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.

God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

Globalization

Question: What is the truest example of "globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: Why?

Answer:

An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by the Italian paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!

And this is sent to you by a South African, using American Bill Gates' technology and you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported in lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to you.

That, my friend, is globalization

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

GLOBAL ECONOMICS DE-MYSTIFIED


1. SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.

2. COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

3. FASCISM:
You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

4. NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.

5. BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and
throws the milk away...

6. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them
and retire on the income.

7. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other
to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a
consultant to analyse why the cow dropped dead.

8. A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

9. A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever
cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

10. A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month, and milk themselves.

11. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

12. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42
cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

13. A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You
charge others for storing them.

14. A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity,
and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

15. AN INDIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You worship them.

16. A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.

17. AN ETHIOPIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You eat both.


18 A UGANDAN CORPORATION

You have two cows and sell both plus land back home to buy a second hand corona or corolla car.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Rib-breakers

Gift from God

There was a Pastor whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded so would his pay check.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Pastor's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Pastor stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down!

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!


Nicknames


These three women were sitting around one night talking about there boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.

The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain Dew' because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"

The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce '7-Up' because he has Seven inches and it is always up!"

The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man 'Jack Daniels'."

The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor."

The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"

Monday, April 26, 2010

Party or Seminar…mmmm, Food of Course!


How your body can be returned home


Mr. Paul-Jan Van Rooijen

Last Saturday, Pearl of Africa together with Stitchting Nedas and Mama Watoto organized a seminar on insurance. It has been an outstanding demand for a long time by the Uganda community in the Netherlands.

In 2007, a Ugandan lady called Grace (second name forgotten) died and was buried in Zeeland. It is rumored that she was cremated soon after. This got Ugandans scared and they pleaded with the Ugandan community organizations to establish a link with some insurance company so that no such a thing like being buried or cremated here happens to a Ugandan again. We in Pearl of Africa started discussing with some insurance companies different possibilities.

However, before we completed the negotiations, our colleagues in Agali Awamu took the bull by the horns and invited the community to discuss a solution they came up with. We of course suspended the negotiations with the insurance companies and decided to lend our support to Agali Awamu in the noble cause!

After 2 years had passed, we realized the steam had gone out of the exercise and we decided to resume negotiations with the insurance companies. In the meantime, different heads of organizations had been holding meetings to work together since we serve the same community. At the last meeting held at Mr. Kisitu’s residence, all organizations were represented. These were; Pearl of Africa, Nedas, Mama Watoto, Glaro and Agali Awamu.

We all agreed that we should share information about our activities and where possible hold them jointly. It was agreed that a joint workshop on sexual violence be held on 17 April 2010, an insurance seminar on 24 April, a Great lakes organizations brainstorming on 1st May and an education workshop on 9th may. Ibra was tasked with collecting activity plans for the rest of the year from different organizations for synchronization and Frank to draft a memorandum of understanding, which would govern our arrangement.

A successful workshop organized jointly by Mama Watoto and Nedas was held on 17 April 2010 at the Gouden Leeuw community hall in Amsterdam. Announcements were made to the effect that the following Saturday an Insurance seminar would be held in the same place and on 30 April a barbeque would be held at Diemen sports ground for the final Kasubi Tombs fundraising.

In the run-up to the insurance meeting, Ibra had called 'Dela Uitvaartverzekering' one of the biggest insurance companies in life assurance business in the Netherlands. They in turn asked him to contact their partners (Meeus Assurantien BV) in Amsterdam.

He contacted Meeus Insurance co and explained the need to get our community insured. Mr. Paul-Jan Van Rooijen (Teamleider Particulieren) became our contact person to handle the 'Group Life Assurance' for the Ugandan community. Because they are used to individual clients, they couldn't imagine a group going for a life Assurance contract. Ibra pointed out the cultural importance of transporting a body back home. Paul agreed to provide the much needed information to our community on Saturday 24 April 2010.

Unfortunately, the turn up was not very good. In total 22 people attended. Elsewhere in Amsterdam, a party was organized and of course the party was the community’s destination of preference. Regrettably, we forgot to practice what we preached, to synchronize both events since we deal with the same community. Of course it would have had a bigger impact if we had worked together by having both activities at the same place, one flowing into the other!

Mr. Paul-Jan van Rooijen did not disappoint. After being introduced by Ibra, he explained to us how life insurance works in the Netherlands. He also presented us the possibilities that are available for a community like ours. He however, categorically stated that no insurance company can insure undocumented immigrants nor can we have a group policy. He however promised a discount if our community insures with his agency. Premiums are set according to age and like other insurances in this country children under 18 don’t pay. The package includes a postmortem, coffin, airlifting the body and return air ticket for the person accompanying the body.

Before the end of the seminar, Mr. John Njuba briefly explained how a similar scheme 10 years ago failed to take off. Members religiously paid the premium for 3 months, sadly the payments were made to individuals, and the scheme buckled when the then Uganda community organization collapsed.

The seminar was very interesting and interactive and Paul promised to visit us from time to time to register those interested in taking up the insurance. Registration is now open and you can do that with Ibra. Whenever, an appropriate number is gathered, Paul promised to return when invited. For registration send an email to Ibra: ibrandaula@yahoo.com



Sunday, April 25, 2010

How Do You Name a Dog Sex?

Photo: http://www.123rf.com/stock-photo/dog.html

Enjoy!

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him
"Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been
very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall
to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I
would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like
to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He
said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You
don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine
years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a
strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the
minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I
said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my
whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't
want to hear about my personal life and would not
marry us in his church. I told him everyone would
enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.

My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the
dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told
the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and
a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the
motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't
understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The
clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the
competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I
told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You
don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on
TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to
fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I
had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I
was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking
all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I
was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I
said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next
Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and
had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever
foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my
first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has
been my best friend all my life but now it has left me
for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and
the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand
that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a
dog."

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Revenge, sweet revenge


A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the
weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his
back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the
second half of his round trip ticket. If he
could just get to the airport he could get
himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where
there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained
his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send
the driver money from home, he offered him his
credit card numbers, his drivers license number,
his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie
said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the
hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to
the airport and was barely in time to catch his
flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked
long and hard to regain his financial success,
returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to
the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to
the airport. Well, who should he see out there,
at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old
buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he
was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he
could make the guy pay for his lack of charity,
and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the
first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to
the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the
reply. "And how much for you to give me a
blowjob once we get there?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in
the long line and asked the same questions, with
the same result. When he got to his old friend
at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How
much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of
cabs the businessman gave big smile and thumbs up
sign to each driver.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

TGIF; Enjoy your weekend!


Subject: Funny!!!!!!!!


A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding

anniversary. The wife says to her husband, "For our

anniversary this year, you can ask me one question,

any question you want to. I will answer it

truthfully."

The husband replies, "Okay, this has been bothering me

for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask

before...but I have noticed that all of our eight

children look similar to one another except one. I

can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did

he have a different father than the rest?"

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in

the eyes. Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a

different father." Her husband was taken aback. "Oh!

Okay...I must know. Please tell me. Who was that

child's father?" Again she cannot look her husband in

the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long

silence she slowly said, "YOU."

A man is at the dentist's for a check-up. As the

dentist leans over, he asks, "Well... So you had oral

sex this morning?" "How did you know?" asks the man,

embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's

perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?" "No" says

the dentist. "Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in

my teeth?" asks the man. "No" says the dentist. "Well,

what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing

patience. The dentist says "There's a little bit of

shit on the end of your nose."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start

heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come

up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull

mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her

husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you

could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull

and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last

year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This

one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a

month. You can learn from this one, also." They

proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This

bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth

drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last

year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn

from this one." The man turns to his wife and says,

"Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same

cow."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The couple has been married only two weeks. The

husband, although very much in love, can't wait to go

out on the town and party with his old buddies.

"Honey," says he to his new bride, "I'll be right

back..." "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asks the

wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to

have a beer." "You want a beer, My Love?" She opens

the refrigerator door shows him 25 different brands of

beer from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland,

Japan, India, including six places he's never even

heard of. The husband is nonplussed, and all he can

think to say is, "Yes, Honey Pie, but the bar you

know...the frozen glass..." He hasn't finished the

sentence before wifey interrupts him by saying, "You

want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She hands him a mug

out of the freezer that is so cold that it burns his

fingers "Yes, Tootsie Roll," hubby says a bit

desperately, "but at the bar they have those hors

d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be

long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want

hors d'oeuvres, Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and

removes 15 different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,

pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But, Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the

swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want

dirty words, Cutie Pie? Here...DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER

IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING

SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT,

ASSHOLE?!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two

guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade

their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the

night. After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife

and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him

smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the

breakfast table the following morning, they will tap

their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the

number of times that they did it with each other's

wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table,

slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack

proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee

mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his

teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3

times on the peanut butter!

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