Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Common Pick-up Lines

Most cheesy lines

-You know, you look so hot you must be the real reason for global warming.
- I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away!
- The power company is looking for you because you’re so electrifying.
- Are your pants from outer space? ‘Cuz your butt is out of this world.
- Was your daddy a thief? Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Uganda’s top five

- Can I buy you a drink?
- Have I seen you somewhere before?
- Weren’t we in school together?
- Your face looks familiar?
- Are you a sister to...?

Is there God?

FAITH: WE THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS FAITH WE WILL NEVER LOSE!
 
An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has  with God, 
The Almighty. He asks one of his new Muslim students to stand and.....
Professor: You are a Muslim, aren't you, son?
Student :  Yes, sir.
Prof: So you believe in God?
Student : Absolutely, sir.
Prof: Is God good?
Student : Sure.
Prof: Is God all-powerful?
Student : Yes.
Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. 
Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? 
Hmm?
(Student is silent.) 
Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?
Student :Yes.
Prof: Is Satan good?
Student : No.
Prof: Where does Satan come from?
Student : From...God...
Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student : Yes.
Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?
Student : Yes.
Prof: So who created evil?
(Student does not answer.)
Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, 
don't they?
Student :Yes, sir.
Prof: So, who created them?
(Student has no answer.)
Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world round you. 
Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?
Student:   No, sir.
Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?
Student : No , sir.
Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?
Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student : Yes.
Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your  GOD doesn't exist. 
What do you say to that, son?
Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.
Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.
Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof: Yes.
Student : And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof: Yes.
Student : No sir. There isn't.
(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)
Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that.  There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold.  Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)
Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. 
You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light....But if you have no light  
constantly, you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. 
If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?
Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is 
death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, 
something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and 
magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the 
opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. 
Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your 
students that they evolved from a monkey?
 Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary  process, yes, of course, I do. 
Student :  Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)
Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove 
that this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? 
Are you not a scientist but a preacher? 
(The class is in uproar.)
Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?
(The class breaks out into laughter.)
Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it,
touched or smelt it?.....No one appears to have done so.  So, according to the established rules of 
empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due 
respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
 
(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)
Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student : That is it sir.. The link between man & god is FAITH.
That is all that keeps things moving & alive.
 
 
 

Mavi ya kuku***

While visiting England , PRESIDENT KIBAKI is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Gordon Brown and says,
"Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Gordon Brown responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. KIBAKI?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"


Upon returning to NAIROBI , he decides he'd better put the Prime Minister to the test. He summons AGWAMBO to STATE House and says:


"Bwana PM, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

AGWAMBO hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" KIBAKI agrees, and AGWAMBO leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior CABINET MINISTERS, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, AGWAMBO calls ATWOLI, secretary general at COTU (Central Organization for Trade Unions in Kenya ) and explains his problem.

"Now look here Francis, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" ATWOLI answers immediately,

"It's me, of course, you dumb a**."

Much relieved, AGWAMBO rushes back to the STATE House and exclaims,"
I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's FRANCIS ATWOLI!"


And KIBAKI replies in disgust, "PUMBAVU.., MAVI YA KUKU **, It's Gordon Brown!"

Fairly quiet indeed****!

A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home:

"So, has anything happened while I've been away?"

"No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning."

"Come now, I've been away for weeks. Surely something must have happened in all that time."

"Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died."

"My *dog* died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die?"

"The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat."

"The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lying around for the dog to eat?"

"Well, it was the horses, sir. They'd been rotting for some time after the barn burned down."

"Good heavens. How in the world did the barn burn down?"

"It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir."

"The *house*? The house burnt down too? How did the house burn down?"

"Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle."

"Oh. ... Wait a moment - we don't use candles anymore to light the house! What were the candles doing there?"

"They were there for the wake, sir."

"The wake?!? Whose wake?"

"Your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly."

"Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of?"

"It must have been the shock, sir."

"The shock."

"Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've been away, sir."

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Family

I ran into a stranger as he passed by.

Oh excuse me please" was my reply.

He said, "Please excuse me too;

I wasn't watching for you."

We were very polite, this stranger and I.

We went on our way and we said good-bye.

But at home a different story is told, How
we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal.
My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,

God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use,
but the children you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."

By this time, I felt very small, And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed.
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.

I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."

I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today,
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."

He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."

I said, "Son, I love you too, and I do like the flowers,
especially the blue."

FAMILY

Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are
working for could easily replace us in a matter of days.

But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.
And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our
own family, an unwise investment indeed, don't you think?

So what is behind the story?
Do you know what the word "FAMILY" means?


FAMILY =
(
F )ATHER

( A )ND

( M )OTHER

( I )

( L )OVE

( Y )OU

Every Woman's Dream



Married Men's views

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not

the only thing in life!!

Anonymous

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men

should be happier than others.

Oscar Wilde

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

Scottish Proverb

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

Sam Kinison

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that

your wife will give you for free.

Anonymous

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Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.

H. L. Mencken

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later;

for another thing, they die earlier.

H. L. Mencken

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man NEEDS a woman like a fish NEEDS a bicycle."

U2

----------------------------------------------------------------------

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a

ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the

estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

---------------------------------------

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the

garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

---------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at

the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course.. at least

he'll shut up after you let him in!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to

interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My

wife's first husband."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really

works!"

Monday, March 29, 2010

Eve Spirit

Once a man came back early from his office. He was shocked to see his wife with another man - Robert.

He told his wife to go out of the room.Then he said to Robert, "what are you
doing here?" Robert replied "I love your wife & she loves me too." To this
the man said "I know that my wife loves me & not you." After a long
conversation they decided "we'll hold our guns & fire at
each other & pretend to be dead.She will mourn for the guy she loves the
most & the other person will get out of their lives."

The wife heard the gunshots, she came into the room, shocked and surprised,
stood staring at both the dead bodies. Suddenly she started laughing out
loudly, rejoicing and shouted "Peter Come Out Of The Wardrobe, Both FOOLS
Are Now DEAD."

"Equal Opportunities"

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's manhood is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Vatican Press Release




Vatican Press Release


" All are informed that

lying in bed, naked, entangled with somebody

and screaming:

*Oh my God* *Oh my God* *Oh my God*

WILL NOT

be considered PRAYING"


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