Monday, November 30, 2009

SOS Plane

An aeroplane flying over the pacific starts getting mechanical problems and the pilot says "Ladies and gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggage must be thrown out."


A little later, the pilot says "We're still losing altitude, we must throw anything out that is in the cabin".

Pilot "Still going down - we must throw out some people".
There's a big gasp from the passengers! (Pilot):"But to make this fair, passengers will be thrown out in alphabetical order.."

So; "A.... any Africans on board?" No one moves.
Pilot: "B...any Bla cks on board?" No one moves.
Pilot: "C..any Caribbeans on board?" Still no one moves.

(A little black boy - asking his dad) "Dad…what are we?"
Dad: "Tonight my dear son, we are Zulus!"

Word Engineering

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE
:
When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE



ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Community service

One day an Englishman goes to a Barber for a haircut
in a barbershop in London. After the cut, he goes to
pay the Barber and the Barber replies, "I am Sorry, I
cannot accept money from you, I am doing Community
Service".  
The Irishman is happy and leaves the shop. The next
morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there
is a Thank you very much card and a sack of potatoes.  
The next day a Chinese goes for a haircut and he also
goes to pay the Barber. The Barber replies again that
he couldn't accept money since he was doing community
Service. The Chinaman is very happy and leaves the
shop.  
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, he finds Thank you card and a sack of rice
waiting at his door.  
On the third day, an African goes to the same shop for
a haircut and he too tries to pay the Barber after his
cut is finished. Once more our honourable barber
refuses to accept cash on the same grounds of serving
his community.  
The African as can be expected is very pleased and
leaves the shop. 
  
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, what does he find waiting...  
a dozen Africans waiting impatiently for a free
haircut!
 
Have a nice day…

Nicholas Cage in Gulu, Uganda


Celebrity actor; Nicholas cage in Gulu's Acholi Inn (New Vision Photo)

Nicholas Cage was on a visit to create awareness about the plight of people recovering from Lord's Resistance Army’s brutality, Cage visited Gulu last week and lodged at Acholi Inn according to the New Vision of Saturday 28 November 2009; http://newvision.co.ug/D/9/40/702553

Friday, November 27, 2009

Work Rules

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. 
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to and therefore you do not need a raise.
 
SICK DAYS: 
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
 
SURGERY: 
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
 
PERSONAL DAYS: 
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
 
VACATION DAYS: 
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, May 1, Oct 9 & Dec. 25
 
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: 
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
 
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: 
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
 
RESTROOM USE: 
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go From 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
 
LUNCH BREAK:
 Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more
so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
 
Have a nice week.
 
Management
 

Thursday, November 26, 2009

The New Kikuyu Alphabet

Image: http://wanjuguna.blogspot.com/2008/02/shocking-pictures-of-kikuyu-man.html
Last April when I travelled to Thika in Kenya for business. Thika is a market town in Central Province, Kenya, lying about 40 km north of Nairobi, lying on the banks of Thika River. I was told there were 2 explanations for the name Thika. One has its origin in the Kikuyu word guthika, meaning "to bury".  During a great drought, the Maasai ventured outside of their normal territories looking for water for their huge herds of cattle. Two rivers pass through Kikuyu land, the Thika and Chania, both providing sustenance for the agricultural Kikuyu.  With this water in contention, and both tribes desperate for survival, they fought a bloody battle that left few survivors.  
A mound, near Blue Posts Hotel supposedly is where the dead warriors were buried.

The other explanation comes from the Maasai word sika, meaning "rubbing something off an edge".  In addition, the area was originally inhabited by the Akamba tribe. Towards the end of the 19th Century outsiders began to settle in this outpost, a convenient resting spot between Nairobi and upcountry for British settlers.  Europeans and Asians began to stop and remain at Thika, the former setting up farms, and the latter setting up shops. 
During my interaction with the people of Thika, I almost thought they were speaking Gikuyu. I realised their alphabet is different from the standard one.  I noted that it went like this:
A for Hunderwear  (Underwear)
B for Mbushit (Bullshit)
C for Ceenaki (Snake)
D for Ndambiliu (W)
E for Heating (Eating)
F for Fanjina (Vagina)
G for Ngonjias (Gorgeous)
H for Oni (Horny)
I for Iccups (Hiccups)
J for Njuis (Juice)
K for Kino
L for Lembo (Label)
M for Mbulo (Bro)
N for Ngilini (Green)
O for Hombit (Orbit)
P for Facking (Parking_
Q For Kwinine (Quinine)
R for Lais (Rice)
S for Sonja (Soldier)
T for Tomu (Tom)
U for Yulaino (Urinal)
V for Fengetemos (Vegetables)
W for Sii “Ndi” (see D above)
X for Enzel (Excel)
Y for Whae (Why)
Z for Nzekisi (Sexy)
 
 

Hillarious, don’t you think so too?

Learning through the New Media

There are so many of these multimedia cellphones in the world

Image: http://i.treehugger.com/images/2007/10/24/cell-phone-landfill.jpg

As the New Media continues bridging the digital gap between the rich and poor nations, many new ways of applying it are being sought. I was happy to learn from the Washington Post Newspaper, that More than 300,000 people in Bangladesh, one of Asia's poorest but fastest-growing economies, have rushed to sign up to learn English over their cellphones, threatening to swamp the service even before its official launch on Thursday 19 November 2009.

Majja Palmer and Amy Kazmin quoted Sarah Chamberlain, the manager of the service that: "We were not expecting that kind of response -- 25,000 people would have been a good response on the first day, instead, we got hundreds of thousands of people." http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/11/13/AR2009111304245.html

The project is a brainchild of the BBC world service Trust, the international charity arm of the broadcaster. It is the first time cell phones have been used as an educational tool on this scale. Bangladesh boasts of 50 million phone connections as compared to only 4 million Internet connections.

Through its Janala service, the BBC offers 250 audio and text-message lessons at different levels -- from basic English conversation to grammar and comprehension of simple news stories. Each lesson is a three-minute phone call, costing about 4 cents.

All six cellphone operators in Bangladesh have agreed to cut the cost of calls to the service by 50 percent to make it more affordable.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

How the Iphone becomes an extension of a person

Steve Jobs, CEO Apple holding an Iphone

I was lucky to be among the first few people in Uganda to own a mobile phone. I got myself connected in 1996 when Celtel (the then only mobile service provider) was not even a year old. What delayed me was the cost of the hand pieces at Celtel. They were damn expensive. I waited until I got myself a moderately smaller set from Dubai at a much cheaper price. Over the years I have owned different Nokia sets, until I decided to acquire a personal digital assistant (PDA) instead of a regular handset. I have actually owned 2 HTCs since then.

When the Iphone launched, I did not expect it to be a threat to existing PDAs. I even laughed it off when they claimed to have a touch screen, yet the LG and HTC had one already. Peer pressure led me to try it out. I had it for a long time just as a regular phone because I was too busy to study it in details. Then I visited a friend of mine in Utrecht and Voila…took a few lessons.

Apple claims the Iphone has over 100,000 applications compared to its nearest I think is the Palm Treo with around 30,000. You don’t however; find the applications on the phone. You just have to download them. Some are free and others for sale. Applications like Facebook, dictionary, Wiki, etc are free of charge. An Iphone today comes in 8, 16 or 32 GB in black or white.

Office Products:

Calculator: The built in calculator (when held vertically) is very conventional but when in landscape mode, it becomes a scientific calculator with all the functions you need.

From my LinkedIn Iphone Group News, Apple Harmony on 24 November 2009 came up with some of those applications. http://www.appleharmony.com/the-30-essential-things-you-don%E2%80%99t-need-to-buy-if-you-own-an-iphone

Pen and paper: The embedded Notes application pre-installed on the device does the job. But, there is a nice intuitive notes application available on the Apple Store called Awesome Note that is 10 times better. Apple Harmony blogged about it: http://www.appleharmony.com/awesome-note-the-title-says-it-all

Voice recorder / memo: Some people prefer voice recording there memo’s for later review. The Voice Memo application built in the iPhone does a pretty good job with a nice GUI.

Organizer: The calendar application can synchronize with the Google calendar. It’s very easy to setup and use.

Contacts book: Remember those little contact books we use to carry around, well no more. With a few clicks here and there, add e-mail / address / home, mobile, work numbers… to your contacts. You can also sync them with Google.

Word / Excel: Quick Office an application available on the Apple Store, will allow you to create/edit word and excel documents (supports .docx and .xlsx) also view e-mail and access attachments with popular file formats including PowerPoint, PDF, iWork, HTML, PNG, JPG, GIF, SVG, TIF, MP3…

Dictionary / Thesaurus: Download the free application Dictionary from the Apple Store and you will not regret it. It also includes a thesaurus.

Wireless mouse/keyboard: Air Mouse is an application available on the Apple Store that in my opinion is very useful when you give a presentation. With a single touch, your Apple device will turn into a presentation assistant by changing the slides. Of course, you can also use it as a wireless keyboard and mouse.

Media:

Digital camera: For all you photographers out there, the iPhone camera application is not a 10 Mega Pixel camera with a crazy zoom on it but it does the job.

Digital video recorder: Again, it’s not the best video recording hardware but for an all in one device the video recording capabilities the iPhone offers are excellent.

DVD player: With the iPod feature integrated, you can watch movies or your favorite TV show’s tanning on the beach while sipping on your cola or beer or on the train, bus… Note that the screen is large enough to enjoy.

MP3/CD player OR walkman: With the iPod feature on your iPhone you can tune in your favorite songs on the go. You can keep them organized by genre, artist, album,…

Navigation:

GSP navigation system: The iPhone 3G and 3GS are equipped with a GPS and there are a few GPS navigation applications available on the Apple Store that work great. I recommend using Navigon but you can also try Magellan or Tom Tom.

Map: You don’t need a map when you travel since the iPhone has Google maps integrated that work wonderfully with the GPS function. View maps in map, satellite or hybrid options.

Storage device:

USB key: Everything is about cloud computing these days. Let’s face it; the information on a USB key can get corrupted. Introducing DropBox, available on the Apple Store, this application provides you with an online repository you can use to backup and archive data or synchronize data between multiple computers. You get a free account that provides you with 2GB of storage capacity. The service is accessible through a Web browser so you can get access to files as long as you have Internet access and a Web browser.

Misc. stuff used everyday:

Weather Channel on TV: You don’t have to turn on the weather channel anymore since the iPhone’s weather application works extremely well. The service is provided by Yahoo! and you can configure to have your favorite countries listed.

Watch / Alarm clock: The iPhone like any other phone will display the time and also has the function of an alarm clock including snooze for all you sleepy heads.

Flashlight / Currency converter / Ruler / Tip Calculator / Unit converter: Another must have application is AppBoxPro. This application includes has a lot of interesting features but the ones most used are the flashlight, currency converter, tip calculator, ruler a unit converter. So it’s a nice all-in-one app.

Cookbook: There are several cookbook applications available on the Apple Store that will suite to anyone’s taste.

Cocktail recipe book: You’re throwing a party at your house and want to spice it up by serving cocktails, but never attended Bartending School. Worry no more, download the “Mixologist “application from the Apple Store and amaze your friends. Cheers mate!

Construction:

Plumb bob / surface level / bubble level bar: Not all of us own fancy tools that we will use a couple of times and let it sit in the garage to collect dust. Download the iHandy Carpenter application from the Apple Store that includes a plumb bob (the easiest way for you to verify the verticality of lines or walls), a surface level (the best tool to level any flat surface), a bubble level bar and many more useful tools at your fingertips.

Travel:

Translator: A language translator is an essential utility for all your business trips or holidays. Linguo, available also on the Apple Store is a general language translation application that supports 15 languages with dictionary type translations.










Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Subject: 11 - The new number of the beast..?!


This is unbelievable..!!



1) New York City has 11 letters

2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.

3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993) has 11 letters.

4) George W Bush has 11 letters.

This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:

1) New York is the 11th state.

2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11.

3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11

4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65 passengers. 6 5 = 11

5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 + 1 + 1 = 11

6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911. 9 + 1 + 1 = 11. Sheer coincidence..?!

Read on and make up your own mind:

1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254. 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.

2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year. Again 2 + 5 + 4 =11.

3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 +0+0+ 4 = 11.

4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.

Now this is where things get totally eerie:

The most recognised symbol for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic holy book:

"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsom eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."

That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran. Still unconvinced about all of this..?! Try this and see how you feel afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:
Open Microsoft Word and do the following:

1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first plane to hit one of the Twin Towers.

2. Highlight the Q33 NY.

3. Change the font size to 48.

4. Change the actual font to WINGDINGS
What do you think now..?!

Monday, November 23, 2009

You know you are living in the digital age when...


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses nor are they on Facebook.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to copy and forward
this message.

14. You look for love online

15. You establish the relationship status of your friends online

16. Complicated becomes a term to mean anything other than being in a relationship

17. Google replaces God for answers

18. Cards replace keys for doors

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a number
nine on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends ...you know you want to!


www.balunywa.blogspot.com

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Tit for Tat, fair game?

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Mbale in Uganda to Kabale. After almost 12 hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for shs. 500,000 ($250). The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth that money.

When the clerk tells him $250 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from East Africa, Hollywood and Europe perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for shs 100000- ($50)."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $200 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have.

Zimpod

Steve jobs is busy modifying the Ipod and Iphone and not to be left behind, Zimbabwe has come up with their own Zimpod, though other Zimbabwe industrialists insit it is a Zimbabwe version of Sony's Walkman.


Friday, November 20, 2009

Why I love Italian English!

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down
and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of
them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come
together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I
come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the
lady indignantly.
"In this country.......we don't speak aloud in public
places about our sex lives........"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'
abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to
spell 'M-i-ss-i-ss-i-pp-i'."

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