Saturday, October 31, 2009

New English

The New California Governor has just announced an agreement whereby

English will be the official language of the state, rather than German

which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, The Terminator's Government conceded that

English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year

phase-in plan that would become known as "Austro-English" (or, if nobody

will be offended, "Austrionics")..


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".  Sertainly, this will

make the sivil servants jump with joy.  The hard "c" will be dropped in

favor of the "k".  This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan

have one less letter.


There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the

troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words

like fotograf 20% shorter.


In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted

to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.


Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have

always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the

horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"

with z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining

ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu

understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl 

A letter from an Indian mother to her son

My dear Jagjit, I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well
there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here
took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated
Right above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The
First time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a
Little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting
the grass at the cemetery.
By the way, I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is
Badmash. He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it
is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull
Him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfil his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea
after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a
grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. 
P.S. Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I
realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

Friday, October 30, 2009

22 year old searching for real man

Hi all,

I have received many such unsolicited e-mail which I always ignore since I am happily married. Today, I wish to share with you and ask for advice. Should I respond, get the photos and expose the person here and on Face Book?

The E-Mail:

On Fri, 30/10/09, wrote:


Subject: Hello my dear

To: undisclosed-recipients

Date: Friday, 30 October, 2009, 11:53 AM


MY name is Ann l am a 22 year old girl  searching for a real man that is trust and worthy and caring. a man who understand the real meaning of love as trust in each other a mature man that will be faithful to me and will understand that a real love dose not count distance or colour after reading your profile at ( i took interest on you so please i will like you to reply to me urgently so i will tell you more about my self this is my box   please try to mail me back on my email address so that i can be able to send you my pictures,God bless you. (all grammar sic)


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Sex Classifieds

     Spits Newspaper

Today I had a meeting in Utrecht city, central Netherlands. After dropping my son off to his school, I rode my bike to the bus stop. I locked my bike carefully and waited for the bus. Before long it had come and it took me to the central station of Almere, my city. At the station, I realized I had about 10 minutes before my train came. I decide to pick day’s free newspapers, that is “Metro” and “Spits” to peruse. 

Newspapers always interest me, even when I don’t understand the language. I check out the design, layout, photos and advertisements, before reading. The Metro and Spits, each had 24 pages. Both paper’s back pages had full-page advertisements for electronics. Both front pages had weather reports, mobile telephone adverts, and led by the premier of Michael Jackson’s “This is it” movie. 

Advertisements covered around 25% of the newspapers, and almost every page had a mobile phone company advert. They ranged from providing free phones, Internet, subscriptions to other offers.

Both Newspapers had advertisements for contacts. By this time I was already seated in the train. As I looked through, it occurred to me that there was no way Miria Matembe or Nsaba Buturo could allow such advertisements to be run back home in Uganda.

Examples of women seeking men advertisements:

  • Married women telephone numbers where you could SMS them to go for sex with no strings attached
  •   Asian students seeking to try all holes (Several adverts requested for this)
  •   Business woman ready to pay 100Euro for anonymous sex (many others were ready to pay from 50Euros onwards)
  •   Arab women ready to unveil for you and do things you can’t discuss with your mother
  •   30 year old mother seeking immediate sex, will give free of charge (left a number)
  •   Two sisters seeking a threesome for free or twin sisters both for the price of one
  •  44 year old married woman seeking a sex mate almost free of charge

The free newspapers dropped at home also had similar advertisements:

  •   Call number 0900…….for ladies to come to you
  •   Married woman seeking sex friend, can receive at home or travel
  •   A 30+ mother with money problems can do all…from her home starting from 10Euro
  •  Can come to your house or hotel for 100Euro per hour

Not to be left behind, national newspapers also have pages for relationships. You find 65 year old women or men looking for sex companions.  Gays, Asians, Hispanics, blacks, all praising themselves for being the best and inviting the rest to try them free or at a specified cost. 

Any wonder that sex in the Netherlands is demystified?

Only in Uganda…..!

Pablo Kimuli, Daily Monitor Photo

By PABLO KIMULI , Uganda’s leading Comedian 

There are things that only Ugandans do that you won’t find elsewhere. We are the only people who bend all the rules, as long as we don’t break them. It’s the only country where you can pee by the roadside during broad day light and no one will point a finger at you, despite the strong warning “Tofuka wano, fine: Shs 10,000”, which loosely translated means you will be fined Shs 10,000 (Equivalent to 3 Euro or 5 Dollars) if caught red handed peeing here. 

A bold man once stood at such a place with a Shs 10,000 note and held it up high, but nobody dared to ask for it. But then, Ugandans fear witchcraft. Having failed to stop people from peeing on his wall fence, my neighbor decided to write on his wall: “we collect urine for witchcraft.” Nobody dared to pee there thereafter.  

Ugandans are the only people who refer to money as “balance” when they actually want “change.”

We are the only people who have turned loneliness into business. You find posters with messages such as, “Do you need a lover?” pasted all over the city. Others advertise their loneliness. You find two pages of a newspaper dedicated to lonely hearts. “I’m short, dark and looking for a financially stable lady”. The man is unstable and is looking for financially stable women! This is broad day light theft. 

A true Ugandan will always respond “I’m fine” even when they are admitted in hospital or have lost a beloved one. We are fond of adding the phrase “well done” after greeting you, even when you haven’t done anything. We call a box of matches “a match box.” When it comes to our roads, only drunken drivers drive straight. They only have two problems, starting and stopping the car.

It’s only Ugandans who look left and right before crossing a one way road. It’s only in Uganda were rainfall is an excuse for going late to work. That is if they are lucky to see you!

Ugandans are very innovative. We refine empty mineral water bottles to pack fruit juice, empty insecticide tins to make tadoba (locally-made paraffin lamps), used tyres to make shoes (lugabire), and empty tins to hot-comb hair. We never put anything to waste.

We also have our own kind of English. We are the only people who end questions with the 5ws. E.g.  “You said what?” “You are going where?” “It’s for who?” “He did it how?”

A typical Ugandan, especially one in a taxi, is likely to tell you to “extend” when in actual sense they want you to push up.

We are good at throwing birthday parties for five-year olds and 80% of the guests are above 40. 

Women marry hoping to change the men and the men hoping that the women won’t change. You hear a lady say, “when we get married, I’ll make sure he eats home every night.” Visit any fast food place after 9p.m. and you’ll see how many married men are rushing to finish their chips before heading home for burnt offerings. 

Before marriage, the men enjoy walking behind their fiancées, but after two kids in the marriage, the guy is moving fast forward ahead of the wife!

We are good at listening to a football commentary on radio and tell it like we watched it live on television. It’s only in Uganda where I have seen restaurants where the day’s menu is in the waitresses’ mouth.

She’ll lean over you and rap the menu like 50 Cent or Eminem. Once in restaurants, we always grab the opportunity to use tooth-picks even when we have only taken water

We always help our selves to the towels, toiletories in hotels, and good at beeping even for grown citizens. And when you call back,..”I was just saying hi”….

Ugandans, especially those from the central part of the country, are the only people who say, “kankomewo” which means “I’ll be back shortly” and never return.
Dear reader, kankomewo!”


Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Female Graduate rides Boda Boida taxi!

The streets of Iganga where Namusobya operates from

As a subscriber to MyFinance newsletter ( I came across this article, which stirred me greatly. I hope you too will be inspired by it. 

A woman, who graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in Development Studies, has taken a job as a bicycle boda boda (Bicycle taxi) operator after searching for a job in vain.

Halima Namusobya  35, says she graduated from Kyambogo University in 2004 eager to start a career in social work. She says she was disappointed that after walking the streets for five years she could not get a single entry-level job for a graduate with her qualifications. 

Frustrated and pressured to start making a living on her own, Namusobya obtained a loan to buy a bicycle and she is now the first female bodaboda operator in Iganga town. 

Namusobya is a well-spoken, tall, light skinned lady. She says she has attracted a lot of attention in Iganga, particularly among the other bodaboda operators, most of whom are illiterate or high school dropouts. 

Everyday she leaves her room at Nakavule in Iganga town and heads off for work. She earns about 5,000 shillings a day, which she closely guards in hope that it will help her start her own business in the future. 

Halima Namusobya is just one of thousands of university graduates in Uganda who are unable to find jobs. 


A Poverty Assessment Report released in 2001 said that Uganda would require 15.6 million jobs for its active population, aged between 15 and 64 years, by 2010. It predicted that with an unemployment rate of 23% about 4.37 million people would be jobless by 2010. 


Julie Kyeyune, a trader in Jinja, says she is not a university graduate, having left school after her A-levels. She says she is shocked that a university graduate like Halima Namusobya can be unemployed for so long. 

Kyeyune wants government to do more to ensure that educated and qualified youths are engaged in meaningful employment. 


Moses Okeya, a resident of Bugiri who has a Diploma in Development Studies, says he, like Namusobya, failed to get a job in social work. He blames this on the course he studied, claiming what he was taught had little relationships to the needs in the job market. 

Okeya says he is now trying his hand at journalism by freelancing for several media outlets. 

Earlier this year President Yoweri Museveni said his government was working to create six million new jobs around the country.

               Written by Uganda Radio Network   

               Wednesday, 21 October 2009



Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Female Brains Cheaper?

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their Family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired
sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news", he said as he surveyed
worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain Transplant. 

It’s an experimental procedure, very risky but it is
only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay
the Brain Yourselves." The family members sat silently as they absorbed
news. After a great Length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does
brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$50 000 for a male brain,
$200 for a Female brain." 

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room
not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually
smirked. A man unable to Control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" 

The doctor
smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 
"it is just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the Price of the female brains, because they've actually been used, the male Brains are hardly ever used by the owners. So they are as good as new"

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The tales that phone can tell


Can your partner be with your phone for a day and things remain the same? This a story that was sent to me on my mail and I thought you too would enjoy it. 

One Friday morning, John woke up hurriedly and prepared for work. He worked in a busy institution and was expected early at work. His wife worked a distance from where her husband’s office was 

As a result of doing things in a hurry, John unknowingly, carried his wife's mobile phone leaving behind his own. After he had gone his wife Jane noticed the mix-up but it was too late for her to do anything about it. She thought for a while and decided to carry her husband's phone in case he came back for it 

On arriving at his place of work John noticed that he had confused his wife's phone for his but decided not to go back for it. He sighed deeply because he knew his wife could access romantic messages sent by his many mistresses.

His wife too was not happy because she had several toy boys.

Drama began to unfold when John received an SMS intended for his wife sent by somebody saved as ‘Peter-Taxi’, which read,

 "Hi sweetie, ope yo monin’ is fine, 4 me am okay just mad! My love 4 you kills me. I couldn't stop dreaming about you even after we met last evening coz you hold the password to ma heart." John was shocked to see this and thought he understood why his wife had come home late the previous evening. He decided to stay mum to see what more would come.

After one hour he received another SMS from somebody saved as ‘Susan-Salon’ which read,  “Monin darling,

ope ur fine, am also fine but not so fine without seeing you next to me coz you control every part of ma heart. Nice day sweetie, see you at lunch.”

The third SMS ticked in from somebody saved as ‘Winnie-Handbags’ which read, "Monin ma beautiful queen, I wish you were a gum, I would chew you every time, you make me feel young like I was born yesterday, you without whom I would go on a hunger strike. Have a bright day ma dear."

John was deeply shocked by these messages but knew that on the other side his wife might be seeing drama too.

 Meanwhile, Jane had seen even more than her husband. She had received three messages from three women that clearly showed they were his mistresses. The first SMS was from a woman saved as ‘Ochieng-Car wash’ which read, “Hi deah how's ur monin? 4 me am okay with ur son here, he says he loves you so much n you should come n stay with us. gday."

 Jane almost fainted on seeing this because she could not believe that her husband had a son outside marriage.

 Before her anger was over, she received a second SMS from' ‘Omosh-Kinyozi’ which read, “Monin ma deah,

ope ur enjoyin ur day. Mine can't be complete without you.

 Every time I sleep in this house you bought 4 me I dream 2 love u always. The BM u bought me is perfect on road. Thanks, g’day.”

The last message came> from ‘Karanja-Electician’ and read,“Sasa honey? Ope uko poa, mimi niko fiti hapa campo, lakini nikumiss sana . But honey kuna doh tunadaiwa za project 400k, nita come unishow vile tutalipa. Nice day love you big.”

Jane had found the answer to why her husband was always penniless!

When evening came John and Jane met at home. They could hardly talk but only stared at one another with suspicion, each fearing to ask the other about the mobile;

Tell me how you expect this saga to have ended.




Is the Uganda Electoral commission technologically Challenged?

Engineer Dr Badru Kiggundu, Chairman electoral Commission (Daily Monitor Photo)

According to today’s New Vision (27 October 2009), “THE Electoral Commission has denied there are ghosts on the voters’ register. They have challenged the authors of a study alleging so to prove their claims. They said they have been cleaning and updating the register since 1996 using the latest technology and all the information is available on their website. 

“We don’t have ghost voters on our list. We have been continually cleaning our register as best as the technology we have had since we came on board,” said commission chief Badru Kiggundu. 

About using the latest technology, I beg to differ from Dr Kiggundu, in a procurement advert from the Electoral commission in the East African Newspaper of 28 September 2009, called for suppliers of diskettes and digital cameras. To say that diskettes in the 21st century are part of the latest technology is to simply take us for a ride.

The Wikipedia defines a floppy disk is a data storage medium that is composed of a disk of thin, flexible ("floppy") magnetic storage medium encased in a square or rectangular plastic shell. Invented by IBM, floppy disks in 8-inch (200 mm), 5¼-inch (133.35 mm), and 3½-inch (90 mm) formats enjoyed many years as a popular and ubiquitous form of data storage and exchange, from the mid-1970s to the late 1990s. 

Today however, floppy diskettes have been superseded in use by USB flash drives, external hard drives, CDs, DVDs and memory cards. As the electoral commission plans to use photographic voters’ cards and other advanced technologies, the floppy will do a disservice. With today’s average digital camera having over 5 mega pixels, how will floppies be able to store those images? Millions and millions of them will be required to do that service, where a few external hard drives or flash drives could come in handy. 

In light of the strategic importance of the electoral commission, the government should be very careful in selecting people to manage the elections. This gains importance when all political parties including the ruling movement agree that the registers are bloated with over one million ghosts and after the Supreme Court ruled that there was massive rigging in the 2001 and 2006 general elections.

An electoral commission should be neutral, technology savvy to enable it deploy the correct technology capable of safeguarding the ballot with appropriate data security measures to avoid havoc in future.


           Floppy Diskettes

Monday, October 26, 2009

Amsterdam Gulu walk 2009 in pictures

Amsterdam Gulu Walk coordinator
Issa and Ibra lead the way
Waiting for the the ladies
One of Amsterdam's many monuments
When the going gets tough, the tough get going; Amsterdam Gulu walkers walk in the rain

The Amsterdam Gulu Walk 2009

                 The Walk

The Amsterdam Gulu Walk took place on 24-Oct-2009. It started at 15.30 hrs fromGanzenhoef metro station in Amsterdam South East. It was a terribly wet day. Only determined walkers attended. It was cold and raining through out. It was by miracle to get 20 people in such weather. 

The walkers went through this immigrant community town centre via the Kraainest shopping centre Gooigoord, Bijlmerdreef to Amsterdamspoort shopping centre. The original plan was to continue to Amsterdam Arena around the stadium to make the walk at least 10 kilometers, but this was not possible. It was agreed by consensus that we go straight to the end point. The end point was within the shopping centre at the Spoort pub.

Pearl of Africa foundation, an organisation for Ugandans living in Netherlands was responsible for organising the Amsterdam Gulu Walk again. It started with around 20 people but by the end of the programme, 25 people had registered. Some people abandoned the walk in the middle, others joined later and many others got lost.

All the walkers were attired in orange T-shirts and walked while singing, blowing the trumpet and whistling. A walk document given to bystanders explaining the objectives of the walk. It was written in both English and Dutch.

The Gulu walk of 2007 was part of the Global effort to raise awareness and funds for the emergency humanitarian support for the parentless, helpless, homeless and hopeless children who had been walking tens of miles every day in search of safety, food and shelter between the jungles and towns in Northern Uganda for the last twenty years. The children remained caught up between the government, the Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA) and other rebellions between the people of Northern Uganda and the Government for the last twenty years.

The Walk of 2008 however, the emphasis was on support for the ongoing peace talks and resettlement. It was held in the Netherlands capital city, The Hague. The Den Haag Gulu Walk had Ugandans of different tribes and political affiliations from the Netherlands and Belgium. Unlike the previous year there were no representatives from Uganda. The walk took about 2 hours going through densely populated areas of the Hague shopping centre and supported by around 10 police officers. The walk was later  described as very peaceful and orderly compared to other such-like demonstrations involving immigrants 

Stichting Nedas sent a representative for the Walk. However, mama Watoto chairperson attended in person she came with an assistant. 2 guests drove from Italy to participate. And the rest; Louise, Carol, Charles, Grace, Jane, Henry, Christine, Maria, Imelda, Ibra, Eddie, Patrick, George, Issa, Mood, Christine, Camille, Allaine…not forgetting those who didn’t write their names or who left before the end, thanks to all of you for making the walk a success.

Pearl of Africa the organizers of this walk join the rest of the world in to create awareness and shore up the maintenance of peace and support for resettlement efforts. Pearl of Africa also has a project in Northern Uganda, Gulu.  It is building a day care centre and nursery for the children of former abducted girls to enable them return to school or seek employment. 


                 End of Walk

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