Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Have a laugh

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.

Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigit. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Brigit staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"

Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Brigit said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."


Hot Air Balloon

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer", says the balloonist.

"I am", replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Mobile Internet causes Cyber cafes to collapse

A few years ago, cyber cafes were a sure venture of making money. With a few computers, constant power supply, one could mint money opening from 8.00am to midnight. There used to be long lines to access computers to go online. All over Uganda, including far-flung areas, Internet cafes ruled.

According to the Red Pepper of 18 August 2010, the United Nations Department of Economic and Social Affairs using statistics from International Telecom Union, revealed that Uganda had only 40,000 Internet users in the year 2000, the figure shot up to 2,500,000 in 2009. A quick look at the traffic metrics website Alexa.com, reveals that the most visited websites in Uganda are Face book, Yahoo, Google, You Tube, Live.com, Wikipedia, MSN, Twitter, LinkedIn, BBC etc.

Today, UTL has the biggest market share of data market. It has had the 3G service for a couple of years. However, Orange a new entrant in the telecommunications market came with a bang. MTN was to follow much later with its 3.5 G USB modem. The days of accessing Internet through a fixed phone and a wireless antenna pointed at the satellite of the service provider are gone

With modem prices down to shs. 70,000 as offered by Orange, and 500MB at shs. 25,000 per month, Internet is now affordable at home and everywhere else. It is no longer cool to while away your time at an Internet café.

The two big telecom players have dealt the death knoll to Internet cafes; MTN Uganda and Orange who are fighting for subscribers by offering them a chance to access their face book profiles on their mobile phones for free! Yes, for free! Zero cost to mobile user. Making the social networking platform, face book is slowly but surely becoming a household item.

DATA and mobile Internet services are emerging as the new competition war front for service providers ever since the landing of undersea fibre optic cables, TEAMS and SEACOM, about a year ago.

Users on the Orange network, can:

- Get Facebook for free on wap-enabled mobile phone
- Go to m.facebook.com to view photos, chat or say what’s on your mind, with Orange Mobile Internet
- users are only charged if they try uploading photos to their account or accessing external links at a rate of 0.9/= per kb.

MTN Uganda on the other hand, offers:

- free mobile browsing on the new site: http://0.facebook.com (facebook zero)
- Facebook Zero is optimized for speed. Users are charged when they browse photos
- users are able to update their profile status messages

Telecoms are ever looking for ways to entice subscribers to their networks. The battle is slowly but surely shifting to how to turn the growing number of online users to continually access the Internet on their mobile phones.

Read more: http://kjohnah.instablogs.com/entry/telecoms-entice-users-with-free-facebook-on-mobiles-phones-in-uganda/#ixzz0yB4TptCO

Uganda tests submarines!

Vision gone wrong??












Monday, August 30, 2010

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the
White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born
in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born
in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and
hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran
and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe,
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn

Creepy huh?

Don't mess with children!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.'

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell? '

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him' ...


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God. '

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ' Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ' There's Jennifer, she' s a lawyer, 'or' That's Michael, He's a doctor.. '

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,

'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'

Friday, August 27, 2010

European Union Language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" .

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


What else can I say: Please share with your partner.

Good Luck.

Sex according to Pastor Katidde (Ugandan)

A lot of people don't associate sex with God - they associate it with Satan
and darkness, as if sex weren't holy. The bible is explicit when it comes to
sex. Sex is holy within marriage, and there is no prescribed style. Nowhere in
the Bible does it say that the missionary position is the only sexual style. Not
discussing sex in a relationship leads to divorce!!!!! .

Pastor Katidde has counseled women who've complained: my husband treats me
as if I were his brother. There was one who told him: I am tired of getting sex
monthly, like a salary. Katidde told her she was lucky to be getting sex
monthly, since some wives only get it on big days, like elections, christmas etc.

Many husbands leave their wives to seek sexual pleasures in Kisenyi. Have
you ever asked yourself what those wives have that you don't. Wives have become
very frigid and even sleep with their panties. If you're a married woman, you
should sleep naked and let your bum touch your husband. Today you find men going
out of their way to get a glimpse of a vagina. They page through magazines and
even go to lingerie departments in stores hoping to see what's hidden under
panties, because their wives hide it from them.
Marriage is about being free with your body in front of your partner. A woman
should parade naked and do some modeling to tempt her husband. There are many
married women who don't know what their husbands' penises look like. They only
feel it when he enters her. They've never touched it, let alone see it, because
the husband switches off the lights before undressing. A penis is a wife's toy -
she is supposed to play with it.

He blames couples for not making time for sex and complaining about being
tired after a day's work. You find many couples who've been sexually starved
for years. God created sex for procreation and also for pleasure.You can't marry
and not have a good time in bed.


Why can't you drive home during lunch and have a quickie with your wife?We're
all equal in sex - it's not just about a woman satisfying a man. You have to
satisfy each other. Have you ever seen a woman who has been satisfied? Have u
noticed how she glows and becomes energetic? May the Lord Bless you. This is the
"Whole Truth, Nothing But The Truth" so God ! Help Us From The Beginning.

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times y ou told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons
you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and some one kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and yo! ur nose was runny
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on T V

Of the times we did get together:

You had no time or care the least to prepare me and that didn't border you even
when I was dry inside. You slept soon after you came and you didn't care if I had to come too. The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you
prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Once you read this letter you have to keep it going.
This game has been played since 1996.
You must send this letter to 7 people.
On the 5th day someone will ask you out or say "I love you."
This is! not a joke.
It has worked for many years.
If you break the chain,
you will have bad luck with guys/girls forever.
This is just for future readers.
This began in 1996,not much of a past, but it works.

So here are the rules:
If you read this on a Sunday, wish for a good week

If you read this on a Monday, wish for money

If you read this on a Tuesday, wish for love

If you read this on a Wednesday, wish for success

If you read this on a Thursday, wish for anything you want

If you read this on a Friday, wish for a really hot date

If you read this on a Saturday, wish for an important phone call

Send this to seven people (after you make a wish).

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Smart Ugandans

Ugandans are smarter.

Three contractors were bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House
in Washington D.C.
One was from
Bangladesh , another from Uganda and the third, from China
They went with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Bangladesh contractor took out a
tape measure and did some
measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I
figure the job will need about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my
team and $100 profit for me)".
The Chinese contractor also did some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and
$100 profit for me)".
The Ugandan contractor didn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official says, incredulous, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Ugandan contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and
we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."
"Done!" replied the government official

Thursday, August 19, 2010


(A sect in India) used to take their Dead & lay them to rest at huge
'Wind Towers' (round structures that Look like Giant Water reservoirs,
but open to the air)..The Parsees never buried their dead, nor burned

They leave them to the Birds of Prey (Vultures) to be eaten thus completing
the Life Cycle...around 10 years ago, it was noticed that the Birds are
dying off. Not many of them were left to consume the dead bodies (which
started dcomposing)...So, the Parsees had to change this mode of dealing
with their dead..

BUT, they wanted to know why a Custom that survived for hundreds of
years,had to be suspended?

They did Autopsies on Dead Birds (they were dying in huge numbers).Who was
the Culprit??? PARACETAMOL (also known as PANADOL).....!!

People started consuming pain-killers decades ago, Panadol STAYS in the
Liver for a Long Time..It ultimately accumulated in the Birds' systems &
they couldn't cope with it!

Interesting to know about ...........PANADOL;
A man was working in a hospital as an IT engineer, as the hospital
is planning to set up a database of its patients and he knew some of
the doctors quite well. The doctors used to tell him that whenever they
have a headache, they are not willing to take PANADOL / PARACETAMOL.

In fact, the would turn to Herbal Medicine or find other alternatives.
This is because Panadol is toxic to the body, and it harms the liver.
According to the doctor: Panadol will remain in the body for at least 5

And according to the doctor, there was an air-hostess who consumed
lots of Panadol as she needed to stand all the time and work under lots
of pressure. She's now in her early 30's, and she is undergoing kidney cleaning
(DIALYSIS) every month.

Whenever we have a headache, that's because it is due to the electron/
ION imbalance in the brain. Some alternative solution to cope with this
matter is Drink lots of water.

Another method will be to submerge your feet in a basin of warm water so
that it brings the blood pressure down from your throbbing head.

As Panadol is a pain killer, the more Panadol you take, the lesser would
be your threshold for pain (your endurance level for pain). We all will
fall ill as we age. Imagine that we had spent our entire life popping
quite a substantial amount of Panadol (Pain Killer), when you need to
have a surgery or operation,you will need a much more amount of general

The thought is scary enough to turn people to Herbal Medicine or other
healthier alternatives.

Value your health, value your life, THINK TWICE before you easily pop
that familiar pill into your mouth again.

Please don't take PANADOL always.

Man killed by Mobile Phone

A man has been killed in India after the mobile phone he was using exploded, according to reports.

Related photos / videos

The victim, named as 23-year-old Gopal Gujjar, suffered serious injuries to his right ear, neck and shoulders.
There were no witnesses to the incident - but it was assumed he was talking on his Nokia when the blast happened in the northern state of Rajasthan.
His body was found along with the remains of the phone and battery near his farm in Banda village, Kota, reported the Times of India.
Police believe he was killed by the device after discovering pieces of the Nokia 1209 handset, a basic model released in August 2008, scattered nearby.
The victim had gone into a forest to tend to his grazing cattle around noon and his body was recovered later that night.
The Times of India said it was probably the first incident in the country where a mobile phone had exploded while it was not being charged.
In January this year, a 27-year-old housewife in Kadapa was killed while she was talking to her husband using a Chinese-made mobile and charging it at the same time.
Deaths due to mobile phone explosions have been reported in countries such as China, South Korea and Nepal.
However, the South Korean incident was later exposed as a hoax.
:: Sky News Online was waiting a response from Nokia to news of the reported death.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

If Microsoft Built Cars

1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER
that year,instead of before.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have
to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept
4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you
bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. If you
didn't upgrade it you wouldn't be able to drive on the newer
6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice
as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be
replaced with a single " General Car Fault " warning light.
8. People would get excited about the " new " features in Microsoft
cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in
other brands for years.
9. We would still be waiting on the " 6000 sux 58'" model to come
10. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
11. Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur.
12. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker,
instead of giving them.
13. New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.
14. There would be a lot of built-in problem indicators that all say
the same thing: " Something is not working right."

New Tricks of Conmen

It is about 1 week ago, I was moving around town.
I was approached by 2 men and 2 women in a
car. The man that was driving asked me 'What kind of perfume
do you wear?'

I was a bit confused and I asked him 'Why?' He said 'We are selling
name brand perfumes, at cheap prices.' I said I had no money. He
then reached out of the car and handed me a paper that was laminated;
it had many perfumes on it. I looked quickly at it and
gave it back. I said, I have no money.

He said it is OK, we take cheques, cash or credit cards. Then the
people in the car began to laugh. I just said no
thanks and moved away.

Then I received this e-mail yesterday and it sent chills up my spine.
Please read this. It is not joke. Here is the e-mail I was sent:

Dear Friends:

I know not all of you are women that I am sending this to, but I am
hoping you will share this with your wives, daughters, mother,
etc.. Our world seems to be getting crazier by the day. Pipe bombs in
mailboxes and sickos in
parking lots with perfume. Be careful.

I was approached yesterday afternoon around
3:30 pm in a car park by
two males who asked what kind of perfume I was wearing. Then
they asked if I'd like to sample some fabulous scent they were
willing to sell me at a very reasonable rate.

I probably would have agreed had I not received an e-mail some weeks
ago warning of a 'Wanna smell this neat perfume? ‘scam. Someone walks
up to you at the malls or in parking lots and asking
you to SNIFF PERFUME that they are selling at a cheap price. THIS
IS NOT PERFUME...IT IS ETHER! When you sniff it, you'll pass out.
They'll take your wallet, your valuables and heaven knows what else.

The men continued to stand between parked cars, I guess to wait for
someone else to hit on. I stopped a lady going towards them, pointing
at them and told her about how I was sent an e-mail at work.

If it were not for this article, I probably would have sniffed the
'perfume' but thanks to the generosity of an e-mailing friend, I was
spared whatever might have happened to me. I wanted to do the same for you....


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Lie detecting robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came any kind of unusual gimmicks.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up getting him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him of his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We reall watched a tape call 'Sex Queen'."

"I'm ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

How to View and Delete Your Location History on Facebook

By  Nancy Messieh, If you have the Facebook mobile app installed on your phone, chances are it’s storing a lot more of your location hi...