Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Job is Yours!

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Have you ever served in the military?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my
testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00
am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to
4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."

Ha hah aha Lol!!, this is Funny

Mukasa is buying a TV and asks "Do you have colour TVs?"

"Sure" says the assistant.

Mukasa replies "Give me a green one, please."

---------------------------------------

Mukasa calls KLM. "How long does it take to fly to New York?"

Let me check for you "Just a sec" says the rep.

"Thank you" says Mukasa and hangs up.

---------------------------------------

Mukasa was filling in an application form for a job.

He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.

Then he came to the column SALARY EXPECTED: He was not sure as to what to be filled here. After much thought he wrote, "Yes!"

--------------------------------------

Mukasa goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk,

"What is that shiny object?"

The clerk replies "That is a thermos flask."

Mukasa then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk responds "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.

Mukasa says "I'll take it!"

The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His boss, Mr. Byaruhanga sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object you have?" He said,

"It's a thermos." The boss then says, "What does it do?"

He replies "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"

Mukasa replies "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

------------------------------------------

Why did 18 of Mukasa's family members go to a movie?

Because under 18 was not allowed.

---------------------------------------------

To lose weight the doctor told Mukasa to run eight kilometers a day for 300 days.

After 300 days Mukasa called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor.

"I'm 2400 Kms away from home."

----------------------------------------------

Having lost his donkey Mukasa got down to his knees and started thanking God.

A passer-by saw him and asked "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?"

Mukasa replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too!

----------------------------------------------

Mukasa got his 4th child.. He fills data in the birth certificate...

Mother: Ganda.

Father: Soga

Kid: Chinese.

"How come you write 'Chinese' when both parents are Black?"

"Aah" says Mukasa "I read in a newspaper that every 4th person born in the world now is Chinese!"

--------------------------------------------

Mukasa with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered.

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." The doctor then asked:

"What about the other ear?" Mkhize answered: " The damn idiot called

again"

Monday, September 27, 2010

Hmmmmmmmmmmm it had to be Pablo!!!!

It sounded like those traditional raps from western Uganda better known as kyevugo that would leave Eminem and 50Cent jobless.

“Movement oyee, Museveni oyee” was the intro of most of the candidates aspiring for a post in the recent NRM primaries.


I keep wondering what local songs politicians would sing if they were upcoming artistes. Lwemiyaga county MP Theodore Ssekikubo has been at the helm of chaos lately. The photo of him in the papers throwing a basin in the air like he was in a Jackie Chan movie manifested the ninja in him.


He is one politician who will always tell the truth even when he intends to lie. I believe, if he ever met Hon Sam Kutesa in a corridor, he would sing Mathius Walukagga’s song,Katuleppuke…gwe wantinkudde kati katweyuze… It’s a home baked song that deals with expressing your beef against someone.


My favourite minister, Kahinda Otafiire, will never forget those elections. He couldn’t believe that he could easily be robbed during daylight. I think Otafire would sing Chameleone’s,Bayuda tuyita nabo. He would later sing Wilson Bugembe’s song, Kani on his way back home as a consolation song.


The vice president Prof Gilbert Bukenya was so bitter with the whole electoral process that he would decampaign upland rice if you asked him about it at that moment. He would sing Julianna Kanyomozi’s Nabikoowa. Maybe the Mafioso is back to bring down the mahogany.


I really feel sorry for the eucalyptus at this rate. For a moment I thought that I had heard him sing Chance Nalubega’s Kyokka Abateesi…musaana mumanye wemukoma then I realized it was playing in the neighbourhood.

Congratulations to the super minister Amama Mbabazi. I wouldn’t have loved to be in his shoes on that day. Most of the verbal arsenal was directed towards him. I’m sure he would sing Lady Mariam’s, Tindatiine. Julianna Kanyomozi’s, Kibaluma would be his title track for his album.


Sembabule Woman MP Anifa Kawooya’s academic papers have been challenged. Unreliable sources have it that she submitted a swimming certificate mbu it was her advanced level certificate for her senior four vac.

Despite all the wolokoso, she managed to make it through the primaries. I think she would sing Grace Nakimera’s Kawonawo.

Just so you know, minister Geraldine Bitamazire taught my mother at Tororo Girls’ School and my mum is now a retired civil servant. She managed to convince her constituency that this was her last term and indeed they believed her elderly wisdom. She would definitely sing Eddie Kenzo’s, Stamina.


Emmanuel Otaala dragged the Movement to court after failing to make it through the primaries. He was later announced winner. He would have no option but to sing Bebe Cool’s,Boggolako to prove his point.

I’m sure Retired Col Warren Kizza Besigye must have been wearing a one million dollar smile and singing Samalie Matovu’s Omukwano Gunyuma as he watched the Movementists move for one another’s throats.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

It is Coffee Time


Enjoy your coffee!

A group of Alumni, highly established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit the conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in their work and lives.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the alumni had a cup of coffee in hand, the Professor said: "Notice that all the nice looking; expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.

What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups ... and then you began eyeing each other's cups. Now consider this: Life is the coffee; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life.
The type of cup one has does not define, nor change the quality of life a person lives. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us"

God makes the coffee, man chooses the cups. The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

Enjoy your coffee.


"There is no God?"

This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that I have seen...


A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. 
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.

They talked about so many things and various subjects. 
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: 'I don't believe that God exists.' 
'Why do you say that?' asked the customer. 'Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. 


Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? 


If God existed; there would be neither suffering nor pain! 
I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.' 


The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. 
The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. 
He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barbershop again and he said to the barber: ’you know what? Barbers do not exist.' 


'How can you say that?' asked the surprised barber. 
'I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!' 


'No!' the customer exclaimed. 'Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.'

'Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me.'

'Exactly!' affirmed the customer. 'That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help. 
That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world.'

Donkey years!

God created the donkey
and said to him.
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset
carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass,
you will have no intelligence and you will live 50
years."
The donkey answered:

"I will be a donkey, but to live 50
years is much. Give me only 20 years"
God granted his wish.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ..

!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!


God created the do
g
and said to him:
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and
you will live 30
years.
You will be a dog. "

The dog answered:

"Sir, to live 30
years is too much,give me only 15 years.
" God granted his wish.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

God created the monkey


and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live 20

years. "
The monkey answered:

"To live 20
years is too much, give me only 10 years."
God granted his wish.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ..

!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!


Finally God created man...


and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.
You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.
You will dominate the world and you will live 20
years."

Man responded:

"Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20

years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused.
" God granted man's wish
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......


And since then, man lives
20 years as a man, marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15
years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him,
so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10
years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That's Life.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Job Application of the Decade

Dear Sir

I refer to the recent death of the Technical Manager at your company and wish to apply for the replacement of the dead manager.

Each time I apply for employment I am told there is no vacancy but on this one, I have caught you red handed coz I even attended the funeral and
all burial proceedings and made sure that he was truly dead before applying. I can remember you saying on the funeral that he will be very difficult to replace, meaning there is no one at the moment. Well it's your lucky day sir; you already have found the best man for the job so look no more.

It is sad but strategic though, that he has left us, at least now I stand to benefit as he has left a vacancy for me. For that I shall forever be
grateful for his timely death. He too always spoke of early retirement and I guess this serves him well too. A deal that benefits all should be thesubstance of a fine businessman. Ironic, yes but death is truly very fair. Just imagine, the company no longer has to pay his retirement funds.

The company will not have to worry about paying me a relocation allowance because he was my neighbour and it will be easy for me
to simply jump over the Durawall into that beautiful big company house. I also took it into my hands to quickly buy a drivers' licence as I am sure the Toyota 4x4 will also be handed over to me. And sir, don't even try to cheat me on this one because I even know the mileage reading on that beautiful machine. This just goes on to prove that I am a determined self starter who is attentive to detail. Amicable qualities that speak for themselves.

I am sure that after reading this, there won't be any need for a CV, just verification if I am up for the challenge. For that sir, I will be sending
my pictures taken whilst attending the funeral and burial so that you can see how tough I was and can be when employed. As for my referees, well the same dead manager was my referee so we can safely skip that part.

I only hope there will be no corruption as we are all still mourning. Thanks for advertising at the funeral because I could not have known

Yours ever smiling even in tough times.

Toughman Strong.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Money, money....!!!

An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:




Dear Dad

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really

like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive

at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB

when all my teachers and many fellow students

travel by train.


Your son, Nasser

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail

from his dad:


My dear loving son

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred

to your account. Please stop embarrassing us.

Go and get yourself a train too.




Love, your Dad

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