Monday, February 8, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Spice up your day with a laugh
Condom says to Kotex, "When you work, I lose seven days of business."
Kotex replies, "If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine months!"
* * * * * * *
A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: "Why do you have your
tits on your back?"
The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has his manhood on
his face!"
* * * * * * * *
Wife: "I wish I were the newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!"
Husband: "I wish you were a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE
every morning!" (nice one!)
* * * * * * *
A Chinese couple got married. When the baby was born, her eyes were big and
blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown. Finally, name of baby was
SUM TING WONG ("some thing wrong") INDEED!!!
* * * * * * * * *
A lady visited her doctor one morning. Doc said: "You look so weak and
exhausted! Are you eating 3 meals a day as I advised?
Lady : "Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!"
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Computer Helpdesk Calls
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?Female customer: A white one...----------------------------------------------------------Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my cd.Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a noteCustomer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it'sstill on my desk... sorry....----------------------------------------------------------Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.Customer: Your left or my left?----------------------------------------------------------Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?Male customer: Hello... I can't print.Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!----------------------------------------------------------Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still say she can't find it...----------------------------------------------------------Customer: I have problems printing in red...Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?Customer:Aaaah....................thank you.----------------------------------------------------------Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.--------------------------------------------------------------------Helpdesk: And now hit F8.Customer: It's not working.Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...----------------------------------------------------------Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.Customer: OKHelpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?Customer: YesHelpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!----------------------------------------------------------Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number 7.Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?----------------------------------------------------------A customer couldn't get on the internet.Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?Customer: Five stars.----------------------------------------------------------Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?Customer: Netscape.Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.----------------------------------------------------------Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on mycomputer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!----------------------------------------------------------Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me? ----------------------------------------------------------Helpdesk: How may I help you?Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it 
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Weird Awards...Only in America!
2009 Stella Awards
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with
these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico ,
where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee
and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one
could get burned doing that, right? That' s right; these are awards for the
most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of
cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for the past year:
* SEVENTH PLACE *
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by
the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he
was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more...
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just
burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic
garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to
open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the
garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for
eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag
of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue
mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay
Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more....
Double hand scratching after this one..
* FOURTH PLACE *
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's
when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the
butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a
chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked
for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the
time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the
yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled
soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the
floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during
an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own
actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching....
* SECOND PLACE *
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a
nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking
out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through
the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said
the night club had to pay her $12,000.....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go
figure.
Ok. Here we go!!
* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv
Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago
motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven
on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the
cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals
as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who
might also buy a motor home.
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with
these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico ,
where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee
and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one
could get burned doing that, right? That' s right; these are awards for the
most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of
cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for the past year:
* SEVENTH PLACE *
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by
the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he
was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more...
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just
burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic
garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to
open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the
garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for
eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag
of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue
mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay
Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more....
Double hand scratching after this one..
* FOURTH PLACE *
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's
when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the
butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a
chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked
for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the
time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the
yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled
soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the
floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during
an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own
actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching....
* SECOND PLACE *
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a
nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking
out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through
the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said
the night club had to pay her $12,000.....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go
figure.
Ok. Here we go!!
* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv
Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago
motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven
on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the
cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals
as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who
might also buy a motor home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
News headlines
