Weekend Jokes

1. A famous prostitute died. People were confused as what should be written on her grave. Finally, on the advice of a wise man, they wrote: AT LAST SHE SLEEPS ALONE!!!

2. A man would come home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him. When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon. He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister"!

3. A classic case of "no weapon fashioned against me shall prosper": A baby was born laughing really hard with its fist tightly closed, chuckling and dandling happily. Everyone in the room was perplexed, wondering what's up with the baby. One of the confused nurses unfolded its tiny fingers and found a birth control pill!!!

4. A boy takes a girl on a date. She orders costly champagne, oysters, lobsters, the most expensive food on the menu. The boy asks: Do you eat like this at your mother's place. The girl replies: No. My mother doesn't plan to sleep with me later

5. Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up and carries her around the house. The wife is so surprised and asks smiling, “did the Pastor preach about being romantic"? Out of breath the husband replies, "No, he said we must carry our burdens...

6. A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, "I love you". She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?". He replies, "It's me... talking to the beer.".

7. Pastor, my dog is dead. Could there be a service for the poor creature?" Pastor replied, "No, we cannot have service for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road. Maybe...they will do something for the animal". The man answered "Pastor, but do you think they will accept a donation of US $250,000 in return for the burial service? Pastor exclaimed, "Sweet Jesus! Why didn't u tell me the dog was a Christian (Am sure the pastor was Ugandan or Nigerian)

8. A beautiful girl was giving a pedicure to a man who is also getting a shave at a salon. The man says "what about a date later?"."Am married" she replied. The man said: "so? call your husband and tell him you are going to visit a girlfriend" She said "u should tell him yourself, he is shaving you".

9. A chick sent this text to her lover. “if u are sleeping, send me your dreams; if ur laughing, send me your laugh; if you are crying, send me your tears"; if u are eating send me ur food; even if you are using your ATM send me the money .The boy replied,” am in the toilet!!!

10. An Kikuyu man fell into a well and was screaming for help. The wife came with a rope to help, the Kikuyu looked at the rope and said "how much did you buy the rope"? The wife said "1000 shillings". Still inside the well, he shouted. "What! Return it now now, go to Mama Shiru's shop downtown she sells it for 300 bob. Hurry up! before I die here"

11. Husband: I have a problem at the office. Wife: After marriage, you don't say I have a problem, say we have a problem. Husband: Ok, We are expecting a baby from OUR Secretary

12. A guy was visting his friend . He told her : " I might not be rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend John, but I love you and adore you". She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear........ : If you love me introduce me to John...."

13. An American, an English man, and a Ugandan were on a ship, suddenly the Devil appeared and said, "Drop anything in the sea, if I find it I will eat u, If I can't, I will be ur slave!" The American dropped a pin, the Devil found it and ate him. The English man dropped a coin, the Devil found it and ate him too. The Ugandan opened a bottle of water, poured it in the sea and said: "Go on...