"Dear Staff,
Due to the current financial situation Management has decided to
implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible
for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be
RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems
appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income
for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired
Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by management. Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives
employees.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring
to the attention of your Supervisor.
They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
Management"
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