The Old Man's Physical
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''
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Young woman’s diary
Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try and be supportive.
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? Why me ?" It has to be his job.
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Confession
A married man goes to confession and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman...almost." The priest says, "What do you mean almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you
said it was the same as putting it in!" Kenya Matatu driver
A Christian Priest dies and waits in line at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Just ahead of him is a guy in somewhat shabby clothes. St. Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Kamau Njoroge, Matatu driver from Nairobi." St. Peter consults his list, smiles and says to Kamau, "Enter into the Kingdom of God." So the matatu driver enters Heaven and the Christian Priest is next in line. He stands erect. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Rev. James Smith, holy pastor of my Parish with a flock of over 2000. I have been pastor for the past 40 years."
St. Peter consults his list and says, "I am sorry, you are on the waiting list. You have to pass some tests elsewhere before you get entry." The Reverend says, "Just a minute. That man was a matatu driver, and you issued him instant entry. But I have to go through more tests. How can this be?"
St. Peter says, "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while the matatu man drove, people prayed." ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and makesure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him. It will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rub. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" She replied, "You're going to die." ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… God created the donkey and said to him.
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset
carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass,
you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."
The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years"
God granted his wish.
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God created the dog and said to him:
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.
You will be a dog. " The dog answered:
"Sir, to live 30 years is too much give me only 15 years.
" God granted his wish.
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God created the monkey and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. " The monkey answered:
"To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."
God granted his wish.
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Finally God created man and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.
You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.
You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."
Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little,
give me the 30 years that the donkey refused,
the 15 years that the dog did not want and
the 10 years the monkey refused.
" God granted man's wish
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And since then, man lives 20 years as a man,
marries and spends 30 years like a donkey,
working and carrying all the burdens on his back.
Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house
and eating whatever is given to him,
so that when he is old,
he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or
daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
That's Life.
Is'nt it?
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. You are through to God We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this........
Thank you for calling The Lord's House. Please select from the following options
Press 1 for GENERAL REQUESTS
Press 2 for THANKSGIVING
Press 3 for COMPLAINTS
Press 4 for HEALING
Press 5 for HELP WITH THE IRS
Press 6 for RAIN or No RAIN
Press 7 for MIRACLES
Press 8 for LOTTERY WINNING NUMBERS
Press 9 for ALL OTHER INQUIRIES OR JUST TO SAY "HI"
Press 0 to hear this menu again
What if God used the familiar excuse. .
"I'm sorry, all the angels are helping other SINNERS right now.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us and will be answered in this millennium.
Can you imagine getting these kind of responses as you call God in prayer:
If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11.
For Michael, press 22.
For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 55. Then wait for the beep and enter the number of the Psalm you wish to hear.
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, press 62. Enter his or her social security number, then press the pound (#)key, enter their date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, where Noah's Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFO's, please wait until you arrive here, answers can only be understood from a "heavenly perspective". To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically transferred. PLEASE be careful, your receiver may become warm. Our computers show that you have already called once today.
Please hang up and try tomorrow. This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday, after 9:30 A.M., but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time).
To order any religious material Enter catalog number, quantity, and a major credit card number plus expiration date.
For emergencies, refer to your BIBLE.
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