Medical Facts

MASSIVE TUMOUR

In October 1991, surgeons at Stanford University Hospital removed an ovarian tumor weighing over 21 stone(294 lbs.) from a woman. It was the largest cyst ever detached from a human being. After the operation, the woman weighed 5 stone(70 lbs.) LESS than the tumor.


INNER SKELETON

A 63-year-old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.


OUCH!

A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his towels around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.


SEX EDUCATION

A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied "I'm not, I just lie there". When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied "No. Who?"


BLIND DRUNK

A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out half way, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.


PRICKLY PAIR

In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "a rat in her pussy" and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.


LAST STAND

A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erection cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to casualty, all the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe painkillers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last.


YUK!

A 64-year-old woman with colon cancer kept returning to hospital with an infection around her stoma (the hole where the tube from her colostomy bag is inserted). There was also a mysterious whitish ooze emanating from it. After eventually inquiring into her private life, the doctors found out that she led an active sex life. "And," she told them, "when we're feeling really energetic, my husband gets his kicks out of removing the bag and using my stoma."


JUICY LUCY

In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina. She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her. "I followed all the instructions to the letter," she told her doctor, "and used it with the jelly." When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied "Grape."


BRUSH AFTER MEALS

A very unhygienic patient was being treated by two nurses for a burst vein in his stomach. While changing the dressing, one of the nurses screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the man's chest. They had been breeding between his teeth, and smelling the open wound, decided to feed further down his body.


CALL THE BUM SQUAD!

A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this occasion, the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the man's anus to defuse the shell before it could be removed.


KLINGONS AROUND URANUS

A 20-year-old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed, along with a stray ping-pong ball.

Source: Theo Koopman